Starring: Tor Johnson, Douglas Mellor, Bing Stafford
Director: Coleman Francis
Writer: Coleman Francis
Genre: Sci-Fi/Horror
Year: 1961
My rating:
I am somewhat proud of the fact that I am so familiar with the works of Coleman Francis that even watching this for the first time, I was very easily able to spot Francis and producer Anthony Cardoza in their (multiple) cameo appearances. I'm also tickled that I was able to spot the guy who played "Cherokee Jack" in RED ZONE CUBA without even trying. This may not get me into Mensa, but gives me a warm sensation on this cold spring day in all the parts of my mind and body that crave bad moviemaking.
This film runs for two and fifty minutes. It has just about enough plot for the two, but the fifty is left oddly hanging. It's difficult to believe that a film that's eight minutes short of an hour could feel like a lifetime, but believe me it does.
The story is about Tor Johnson (PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and THE UNEARTHLY) as a defecting Soviet scientist. This bit of casting is probably the film's first mistake. If you're going to have someone believable as an intelligent, reputable man of science, it would perhaps be better to stay away from the Swedish ex-wrestlers.
In any event, the scientist heads towards the Yucca Flats nuclear testing grounds. On route, he is attacked by Soviet agents (look, it's Tony Cardoza!) who want to kill Tor and destroy the information he carries. Tor escapes their gunfire simply by walking very quickly away from them. Unfortunately, he wanders onto the proving grounds themselves and is hit by a nuclear bomb. Rather than blasting him into his component atoms, the effect is merely to turn this notable scientist into the eponymous Beast.
The Beast now has an unquenchable appetite for death. To satisfy his cravings he begins a killing spree out on the wastelands. This is not, it must be noted, the most efficient location for a killing spree. Fortunately for Tor -- thanks to movie logic -- the abandoned wastelands seem to have a fair number of great fools willing to go into them and be knocked over by Tor.
"Flag on the moon," intones the narrator. "How did it get there?" How indeed. The film's narration is littered with these apparent non sequiturs (the previous question arrives unannounced in the middle of a car chase sequence). The narrator is by far the most entertaining portion of this film, interrupting the action with bad poetry about human progress related in a bland monotone.
Sounds like a fun, cheesy sci-fi/horror film right?
Well, if you haven't seen it, it would be difficult for you to believe exactly how mind-numbingly dull this film is. It's less than an hour, but during my second viewing I kept finding excuses to walk about of the room. The problem is that there isn't enough action in it. Tor Johnson needed to do more killing. Almost all of the film seems to involve either two police officers wandering around the wasteland looking for Tor or two young boys blinding stumbling around the location shoot. Tor's is the slowest rampage you'll ever in your life see.
I find myself rendered mentally immobile enough after two viewings to have much of anything left to say. The dialog is stilted. The direction is dizzying in its utter lack of a breakneck pace. The plot -- as I indicated -- would have trouble fleshing out a two minute trailer. I would almost recommend this as a way of turning an ordinary metal and plastic television set into something that most humans cannot bear to look at for more than a few minutes at a time. This is definitely a film that only a bad movie lover could endure, but even with previous bad movie experience, you should approach this one with caution.
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