Starring: Charles Collins, Frank Morgan
Director: Lloyd Corrigan
Writers: Ray Harris, Francis Edward Faragoh, Emma-Lindsay Squier (story), Jack Wagner (adaptation) and Boris Ingster (adaptation)
Genre: Musical
Year: 1936
My rating:
THE DANCING PIRATE billed itself as "the first dancing musical in 100% new technicolor." Now, you may be wondering to yourself (even if you're not a fan of musicals) why on Earth you've never heard of this film before. One would think that such a cinematic first would be less obscure. Few people today have seen THE JAZZ SINGER, but many more would recognize the title as being the first talkie.
Well, I'll tell you why you've never heard of this technicolor marvel. Because it's no damn good, that's why.
Now, granted the cheap DVD version of this film is actually a scratchy black and white print rather than the full color experience. However, I doubt that seeing this film in technicolor would improve it significantly, even if the producers had managed to invent some new color and painted Harry Morgan's mustache with it.
And before I get to the plot summary, I need to point out an annoyance courtesy of the DVD cover concerning the actor in the previous paragraph. At the end of the description on the box, the simple sentence follows: "Frank Morgan (of MASH TV series fame) costars."
Well, almost. Frank Morgan (who is indeed in this film and best known as the cinematic Wizard of Oz) died of a heart attack in 1949. The MASH television series began in 1972. Clearly someone over at Digiview got Frank Morgan confused with Harry Morgan (who played Colonel Potter on MASH). Harry Morgan, however, does not appear in this film. I've tried cutting back on criticism of Digiview's grammar and factual errors, but this is far too egregious to ignore.
The plot is simple and silly (although, to be fair, musicals aren't really supposed to have very involved storylines). The opening slide informs us of the setting: Boston, 1820. At this locale is a flamboyant dancing instructor teaching his class about a new craze called "the waltz". While horrifying the older generation because of the increased male-female physical contact, his students are pleased. He closes his class, leaves the building and is immediately hit over the head and kidnapped by pirates. Taken onboard the pirate vessel, he is now forced to perform menial tasks for the ship's cook.
Fortunately, these are singularly unobservant pirates, so he rapidly escapes them, and finds himself in a small Hispanic village somewhere in California. He is immediately mistaken for a real pirate and sentenced to death. However, his sentence is commuted on condition that he teach the villagers to dance. This gives the dancing pirate (who isn't a pirate at all) the opportunity to dance a lot, give waltz lessons to the film's audience and fall in love with the movie's love-interest with whom he has absolutely no chemistry and who happens to be the daughter of the village's leader.
Rereading my description of the plot, I'm realizing that it's far goofier and hokier on paper than when I was actually watching it. I suppose it says something that the film manages to convey a fairly strong suspension of disbelief. On the other hand, you could point out that the script totally fails to capitalize on what could be a very entertaining premise. The plot summary makes it sound like a bad film, but a bad film that could be fun. Unfortunately, it isn't.
One of the first things that jumped out at me in the opening few scenes is how appallingly low-budget the film looks. It looks like a small high school did a production of this and then the movie crew simply filmed on the same sets. It's hard to take the film seriously when it looks like one mistimed twirl could take down half the village.
But the worst thing about the lack of money spent on the film is that these period musicals only really work if they look spectacular. Like them or not, those MGM musicals of the '30s and '40s looked epic. Picture in your mind those giant dance numbers with dozens of extras and enormous towering sets. Even if you don't care for the overall experience (and I generally don't), one can still appreciate all the time and painstaking effort that must have occurred to produce something so overwhelming, intricate and energetic.
You simply do not get that effect here. It doesn't look special. It doesn't look extraordinary. It just looks like a small number of guys jumping around a movie studio. The costumes are bland; the sets are uninspired. And moving beyond the mere budget, there just isn't anything imaginative about any of this.
The acting is acceptable. Our hero is played by Charles Collins. He spends 50% of his screen time with a cheesy Howard Dean grin plastered onto his face, which makes him a bit difficult to accept as a) a strong protagonist and b) as someone who could reasonably be mistaken for a pirate.
As mentioned, Frank Morgan appears in this film, and -- bizarrely -- he appears to be playing the exact same character from THE WIZARD OF OZ, albeit without access to the impressive equipment that allowed that wizard to rule by fear. He's the same bumbling man behind the curtain. So much so that you almost expect him to leave the movie in a hot air balloon shouting, "I can't come back; I don't know how it works!"
One thing about this character I could figure out was how Morgan became leader of this village given that it's clearly a Hispanic village, and Morgan obviously isn't. I suppose we should be grateful that Morgan doesn't attempt a Mexican accent or use Charlton Heston's TOUCH OF EVIL makeup.
As for what's left, I personally got nothing out of the singing and dancing. Usually with musicals, I can at least remember some of the more catchy tunes, even if I don't actually like them. But none of them stayed in my mind more than an instant after "The End" appeared on the screen. On the subject of the dancing, I tried to teach myself the waltz from the endless sequences where he teaches the steps, but I had about as much luck from this film as I did from the free salsa dancing tutorial DVDs I once got in the mail.
You might get some enjoyment out of the film by asking your friends to come over with a few adult beverages and giving this the full Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. But even then, this is a film to be endured, not enjoyed.
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