The Beatniks (1960)

The Beatniks
Starring: Tony Travis, Joyce Terry, Peter Breck, Karen Kadler
Director: Paul Frees
Writers: Paul Frees, Arthur Julian
Genre: Crime, Drama
Year: 1960
My rating: 

I've got a problem with you, THE BEATNIKS. You go around calling yourself THE BEATNIKS and yet you seem to have a fairly large omission. It's a pretty big problem given what you've titled yourself. Simply put, you do not have a single beatnik within you.

I'm not kidding, either. There are no beatniks anywhere to be seen. I don't mean that the portrayal of beatniks is slightly unflattering or inaccurate. I mean that whoever gave this movie its title obviously had no idea what a beatnik is. There is no one in any way resembling a beatnik. No bongos. No berets. No silly facial hair. The last time audiences were so lied to by a film's title was the movie ABBOTT AND COSTELLO GO TO MARS in which Abbott and Costello do not go to Mars.

The story involves young Eddy Crane who is not a beatnik. He has a great voice, but he hangs out with a dangerous gang, none of who are beatniks. Through a chance encounter at a diner with a talent agent (not a beatnik), he is poised to become the next big thing in the music world. Eddy also finds himself torn between two women, neither of which is a beatnik. Iris is his girlfriend, and part of the bad crowd. Helen is the assistant to his new agent and represents a possible new life for himself. (The only members of the cast who aren't hopped up on goofballs are the ones who seem to have OD'ed on Nyquil.)

In stereotypical form, his old friends seem destined to ruin his big chance and to forever keep him from reaching his potential. You see, they simply can't help getting Eddy mixed up with all manner of criminal activity. No matter how good Eddy's voice, he simply cannot escape his past and his place in society. (The apparent moral of the story would seem to lie in complete contrast to actual beatnik philosophy. Not only is Eddy's quest for fame and fortunate portrayed as a positive goal, the movie itself suggests that there's no getting beyond one's designated station.)

This is a very simple and dumb movie. It takes 78 minutes to get through the absurdly shallow plot summary given above, and even that relatively short amount of time is a struggle for this movie to fill.

I wasn't prepared for the amount of singing that appeared in this film. There are three songs within the movie's opening twenty minutes. You'll need to prepare yourself not only for the sheer number of songs, but also their bizarre and banal content. There's a song with a chorus of: "Sideburns don't need your sympathy." I assumed I was mishearing it, but after multiple listens, I really think that's what he's singing. 

Besides the inaccurate film title, there's a fair amount of fictional false advertising in this movie. In one scene the "beatniks" arrive at Charlie's. Charlie's is a diner with two large signs outside. One says, "Cafe"; the other says, "Beer". Once the gang get inside, they are told that there is no food. And alcohol is not being served. And the only worker is not named Charlie, but Gus.

Given the obvious drawbacks, is there any reason to spend over an hour watching this? It depends on how much enjoyment you get from pure cheese. (Also, if you get off spotting visible boom mikes, then you'll be in heaven.) In a movie like this, the only parts that are enjoyable are the parts that are just ludicrously over the top. Personally, I found those moments to be few and far between; there is too much boring filler between the moments of utter silliness. But, that said, when the movie is unintentionally funny, it is shockingly unintentionally funny.

Take, for example, the scene where a weedy hotel manager is nervously complaining to the "beatniks" about the hotel room they've trashed. The goofiest member of the gang takes care of business. 

Does he pull a gun on the hapless employee? 

No. 

Does he roll up his sleeves and threaten the smaller gentlemen with a physical thrashing?

No.

Does he respond with some stunningly insulting and cutting remark?

No.

Does he point his finger at the man's neck and loudly growl, "I'm gonna MOON you!"?

Yes. Yes he does.

The picture and sound quality on the Digiview Productions version of this release are adequate. But given that I didn't like the movie, I didn't care much about whether I was seeing it in its full digital glory. In retrospect, I wish the sound quality had been a little worse. At least during some of the musical numbers.

Whoever gave this movie its moniker really should have called it something like THE HOODLUMS or THE HOODS or THE COMPLETELY UNIMAGINATIVE MOVIE FULL OF PLOT POINTS AND CLICHÉS YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN BEFORE. If you want to get some fun out of this movie, I recommend watching it with someone who has seen it before and can tell you where the silly parts are. Just make sure you fast forward through everything else.

(I didn't realize before I bought the DVD, but this movie has been featured in an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000". Now all the jokes I cracked while suffering through this are going to seem a lot less funny when I finally see that episode.)