Starring: Sonny Chiba
Director: IMDB doesn't know; neither do I
Writers: Ditto (I'm not kidding either. There's no director or writer listed in the credits. Go figure.)
Genre: Bad Kung-Fu
Year: 1976
My rating:
One of the most memorable things in PULP FICTION was Samuel L. Jackson's supposed recitation of Ezekiel 25:17. However, anyone who has looked up that biblical passage will notice that the actual scripture is significantly shorter than what's in Quentin Tarantino's script. Where Tarantino's dialog ran for two paragraphs, the Almighty's screenplay only spends one sentence. So, where did those extra words come from?
It turns out that Tarantino borrowed the quote wholesale from THE BODYGUARD (also known as KARATE KIBA). The scrolling text at the beginning (with narration by Sonny Chiba) is virtually word for word the same and also erroneously credits this as belonging to the Book of Ezekiel (Ezekiel 25:17 again). Of course, it should be noted that while Samuel L. Jackson shouts, "And you will know my name is the Lord!" (actually from the bible, that bit), THE BODYGUARD gives the biblical passage as: "And they shall know that I am Chiba the Bodyguard!" Most people will probably suspect that Chiba the Bodyguard isn't one of the Bible's main players. On the other hand, I do worship at the House of the Bad Movie Star, so perhaps I shouldn't throw stones.
But anyway, one mystery solved. We now know where Tarantino got his cool dialog from. But solving that question merely suggests another.
What the hell is up with THE BODYGUARD?
Seriously. Can anyone follow the plot of this one?
Let's start at the beginning. Two random guys (who never reappear after their opening scene) are in some karate class in New York and begin arguing about who the better fighter is: Bruce Lee or Sonny Chiba. Now, here's where my poor little brain begins running in circles and eventually tires itself out. Arguing about Bruce Lee is just fine. But talking about Sonny Chiba in this film poses problems. Namely... Sonny Chiba is actually in this movie!
And even more confusingly, Sonny Chiba is playing a character named... Sonny Chiba.
So, when the guy is saying that Sonny Chiba is the best fighter, is he talking about Sonny Chiba the action movie actor? Or is he talking about the fictional character named Sonny Chiba?
If he's talking about the action movie actor, then is Sonny Chiba playing himself? Why does no one think it odd that a movie star is out fighting crime?
But if he's talking about Sonny Chiba the fictional character, why is this Chiba famous? And is Bruce Lee also a fictional crime fighter in this movie's universe?
Maybe it's only me who gets hung up on dumb details like this, but it really sets the stage for the mass confusion that is to follow.
Let's start with the film's premise. Sonny Chiba fights off a gang of five would-be hijackers on a flight from New York to Tokyo. At the resulting press conference he reveals that this gang was involved in heavy-duty drug dealing. How he discovered this is never explained. A reporter asks him how he magically knows and his reply is: "How could I explain it to you?"
He then breaks a coke bottle into pieces with his bare hands and, on national television, says that he will be the bodyguard to any person willing to testify against the traffickers.
So far so good. Later at his home he is visited by a mysterious woman seeking his protection. However, she doesn't tell him what she knows. She doesn't tell him how she's connected to any drug dealers. She doesn't say that she will testify against anyone. In fact, she gives no indication that she has any beef with drugs or drug dealing at all.
Despite this, Chiba agrees to be her bodyguard.
Look, Chiba, ten out of ten for good intentions, but minus several million for smart thinking. How are you possibly going to slow down drug dealing if you're the bodyguard to any Tom, Dick and Harry who happens to show up at your house? (Amusingly, at the press conference he gave no clue as to how anyone could contact him. He merely states that any potential witness "will know how to reach me.")
From here, the plot shakes forward uncertainly into new areas of confusion. We eventually learn that there are two Japanese gangs fighting over a drug shipment. The Italian mafia is involved also (presumably they are the original suppliers of this particular stash of drugs). There seems to be a American gangster presence on an US Army Base somewhere near Tokyo, although their involvement is nonsensical to say the least. There are army soldiers involved in both the smuggling operation and the customer end of things. So the plot has the drugs being smuggled onto the base for storage, smuggled out to the Japanese gangsters, and then smuggled back in again for consumption. I'm no expert, but if they asked me I think I could save them a step or two there. (I may be doing the film a disservice, but the American connection is left annoyingly vague.)
Eventually, one of the equally boring Japanese gangs is all but wiped out. (Which one? Who cares?) The movie stumbles around for a while with its spare tire of a gang before mercifully falling to a close.
There are no interesting characters, no fascinating plot points, no bits of snappy dialog (excepting the opening narration), and no real reason to keep your eyes on the screen for the full hour and a half. The fight scenes aren't any good either, which is pretty much the kiss of death for any martial arts movie.
I'm reviewing the Digiview Productions version of this disc, and the first thing to mention is that there is censoring on this disc. All nudity has been clumsily pixelated out. The nudity is nothing to get excited about (and disturbingly only seems to occur in violent scenes) but the censoring ends up being very distracting.
The other problem with this disc is that it's presented in the worst pan-and-scan format I've seen in a long time. The shots are extremely poorly framed. Rest assured that if it happened on screen, the pan-and-scanner missed it. Still, given what you do see when the presentation is correct, perhaps they're doing us a mercy.
If you're the world's biggest fan of PULP FICTION, then it may almost be worth your dollar to finally see the reason that it and THE BODYGUARD are joined in the Internet Movie Database's movie connections section. Even so, I'd recommend making surf guitar noises with your mouth and hitting the stop button immediately after the opening narration. Chiba the Bodyguard help us.
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