Diamondbacks (1998)

Diamondbacks
Starring: Miles O'Keeffe, Chris "Son of Robert" Mitchum and Timothy Bottoms
Director: Bernard Salzmann
Writer: Rachel Gordon
Genre: Action
Year: 1998
My rating: 

I bought DIAMONDBACKS primarily because of two of the names on the cover.

1) Miles O'Keeffe. I fondly remember the joke from the CAVE DWELLERS episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" when O'Keeffe's name appears in the opening credits. "How much Keeffe is in this movie?" asks one of the crew. The answer: "*Miles* O' Keeffe".

2) Timothy Bottoms. When I saw that name, I desperately tried to remember why it was so familiar. Suddenly, it came to me. Timothy Bottoms portrayed President Bush in the short lived Trey Parker and Matt Stone sitcom from 2001, "That's My Bush!".

With those two happy names in the credits, I figured that they'd make the movie at minimum bearable. I mean, a George Bush look-a-like in an action movie has to be worth at least a chuckle, right?

Wrong.

Mostly, because this movie is far too boring to be much fun.

The film opens with NASA shuttle Atlantis successfully lifting off. The televised launch angers a lot of white guys living out in the middle of nowhere. It turns out that the shuttle is not just a force for science; it's also carrying a new super spy-satellite that will allow the United States government to track everyone in the world including its own citizens. And it turns out the angry drifters aren't just grumpy and disaffected; they're also all members of a militia group bend on cutting the government down to size.

This militia (called "Diamondbacks") means business. How do we know they mean business? Because we watch them endlessly packing up every piece of military equipment and dark clothing they posses in a sequence that seems to last as long as the entirety of THE WACKIEST WAGON TRAIN IN THE WEST. And if that isn't torture enough, minutes later we're treated to an even more lengthy sequence where the militia plant explosives in the town courthouse. I'm sure the viewer was supposed to be impressed by how hard they are, but all I got out of it (while trying to stay awake) is that this militia is great at sneaking around in the dark and taking a long time to put pieces of equipment next to other pieces of equipment.

Diamondback's plan is to take over the remote communications station which relays all communications activity between NASA ground control and the shuttle. After invading this location (out in the desert with no guards and only two technicians on duty), they will transmit a computer virus onto the satellite which would give them compete control. And this should give you, gentle reader, an idea of the kind of implausible situations, clichéd scenes and cardboard characterizations that make this movie the trainwreck that it is.

I'm guessing that the real NASA -- understaffed they may be -- would post at least one rent-a-cop at the door to their only link to the shuttle. The only thing they use to deter potential terrorism threats is an unassuming stop sign on the road leading into the complex. I have yet to hear of a terrorist who kills freely and risks death, but who has a fanatic devotion to obeying state and local traffic laws.

Several plot points are only possible because the film's protagonist has the uncanny ability to telephone straight in to a local radio DJ multiple times. Not only does she seem to work at the station morning, noon, and night, he must be her sole listener. (Had any of the screenwriters ever tried calling a radio station? Even when you're not trying to win free U2 tickets, it's a near impossible feat to accomplish even once in a day.)

Now, it's a bit unfair of me to criticize the movie for not being realistic when I bought it in the hopes of it merely being amusing. Unfortunately, the movie isn't terribly distracting or entertaining. Instead of goofy, silly scenes, I just got long drawn-out scenes of guys growling boring clichés at each other. If you're going to have a film with nothing but clichés, make them fun, over the top clichés. No overbearing boss shouting at his underlings. No self-righteous bad guy. No protagonist worrying about his wife and little girl at home. Been there; done that; seen it on "Mystery Science Theater".

Worse than characters growling speeches at each other are the action sequences. I realize that it's incredibly difficult to make a good chase sequence with not a lot of money, but I've seen other movies do a lot more with a lot less. At some point during the filming, someone needed to point out that it just wasn't working. If all you have are four vehicles and one long, straight dirt road, then maybe two extended chase scenes aren't in your film's best interests. (Actually, I should give the director some credit, because when the chases move outside of the vehicles and the characters are chasing each other around the power-station equipment, it approaches interesting. It's a pity though that those scenes end up being marred by the extremely fake sound effects on the guns.)

Apart from the film's obligatory easily-bamboozled henchmen, there were a few characters worth watching. I liked Miles O'Keeffe as the head of the Diamondback militia, if only because he managed to make all of his speeches perfectly through clenched teeth.

I will also admit to being amused by Timothy Bottoms' physical resemblance to President George W. Bush. And if the thought of Bush as the clear-headed, quick-thinking, no-nonsense manager of all NASA ground operations doesn't bring at least a smile to your face, then there's no hope of you extracting any enjoyment from this movie.