Starring: Bob Denver, Forrest Tucker
Directors: Jack Arnold, Earl Bellamy, Bruce Bilson, Oscar Rudolph
Writers: Ron Friedman, Howard Ostroff, Brad Radnitz, Elroy Schwartz, Sherwood Schwartz
Genre: Comedy
Year: 1976
My rating:
The movie called THE WACKIEST WAGON TRAIN IN THE WEST is actually a clumsily edited together collection of four episodes of Bob Denver's 1970s TV show, "Dusty's Trail". The creators of this DVD were obviously trying to cash in on the popularity of Gilligan's Island. The back cover mentions the word "Gilligan" no less than five times. This is not a surprise, given that "Dusty's Trail" itself simply took the premise and characters of "Gilligan's Island" and transplanted them into the Old West.
Instead of seven modern castaways, we have seven Nineteenth Century prospectors taking a less-than-direct route from St. Louis to California. The characters themselves have a precise isomorphic relationship to their "Gilligan's Island" counterparts. Bob Denver plays Dusty, who's clumsy, fumbling, and always managing to get everyone into trouble. Forrest Tucker ("F-Troop") is the replacement Skipper, called the Wagonmaster, who's in charge of the party. There's a smart guy, a rich guy (and his wife) and a simple small-town girl. The replacement Ginger is either a saloon girl or a prostitute, depending on how charitable you're feeling.
If that's not enough for you, the Skipper keeps referring to Gilligan... Sorry, I mean the Wagonmaster keeps referring to Dusty as his "little pal" instead of his "little buddy".
Growing up, I watched as much Nick At Nite as the next fellow. But until I bought this DVD, I'd never even heard of "Dusty's Trail" before.
Odd – I thought – since Bob Denver and Forrest Tucker are well-known classic TV stars.
Then, later, not odd at all – I thought – because the episodes on this DVD are absolutely terrible.
The comparisons made to "Gilligan's Island" by the DVD company and by commentators on the Internet are all perfectly valid. But they may leave a false impression on the reader. You see, "Gilligan's Island" was funny. It was silly. It was stupid. It was corny. It was predictable. But at least it made you laugh, even if you were laughing at the banality of the material. But WACKIEST WAGONTRAIN has none of this going for it.
Now let's move on the the film itself. When producers edit together episodes of a TV show into a feature-length production, it's interesting to note what will be used as a central theme to pull these disparate stories together. When the Ben Murphy classic RIDING WITH DEATH was edited together from two episodes of the short-lived "Gemini Man", the producers based the movie around two guest-starring appearances by Jim Stafford as Buffalo Bill. Sure it was goofy. Sure it required an awkwardly dubbed voice over to explain why a character's facial hair suddenly changes halfway through the movie. But at least it was somewhat coherent.
The four episodes of "Dusty's Trail" here have absolutely nothing to do with one another, which makes one wonder why they bothered removing the opening and closing credits from in between them.
Still, in the pursuit of ill-advised thoroughness, I'll offer a quick summary of each episode.
Act I: Let There Be Bob Denver.
The movie opens with the TV show's theme music. The theme song tells the story of who these people are, and how they got to where they are. Think the "Gillian's Island" theme, only not as catchy.
The initial epoch involves Dusty accidentally rescuing a young Native American boy from a bear. After this genuine act of kindness, the movie spends the next half an hour or so insulting Native Americans.
Actually, it's probably not as insulting as it could possibly have been. Although that may just be that the sight of white guys in red paint tapping their hands against their mouths, making "Wooo-oooo-oooo!" noises and dancing around other white guys who are tied to oversized wooden posts is something we've become deadened to in our pop culture.
Act II: Dusty Falls Off A Horse, Ad Nauseum
This second work involves Dusty finding a horse, not realizing it belongs to someone else and then being sentenced to death for the crime. Sadly, this does not result in the death of Dusty. Instead the plot revolves around Dusty falling off a horse, falling off a horse, falling off a horse and falling off a horse.
I'm not kidding about that. A major subplot involves Dusty "breaking in" the horse. The scenes go on and on. You can picture it already, can't you? If your mind's eye reveals endless footage of a stunt double wildly bouncing up and down on a real bronco with quick close-up inserts of Bob Denver on a mechanical deer, then you can safely fast-forward through this episode without missing anything.
Act III: Full Mental Drag-act
The travelers are ambushed by two dangerous bandits who demand some quality time with the second rate Ginger and the third rate Mary Ann. Naturally they're fooled by seeing Bob Denver and Forrest Tucker in drag. It will come as no surprise when later in the episode, these two Einsteins surrender to an army composed primarily of Bob Denver, cooking utensils and baking flour.
Act IV: Let This Be Your Last Episode!
(It was at this point that I fell into complete despair. You see, I knew that this was a half-hour show and that the DVD box listed the running time at an hour and a half. So I figured after three episodes I'd come to the end. You have no idea how far down I sank into my chair when the closing credits failed to scroll upon my screen and I realized I had one more segment to endure.)
The travelers wander into an apparent ghost-town, only to get trapped inside by gun-tooting outlaws. After some excruciatingly long-winded sequences involving a donkey, explosives and disguises (unfortunately, not all at the same time), the movie shudders to a conclusion.
I don't think it's possible to describe how unbelievably tedious this movie is. I attempted to watch this movie a second time to help writing this review, but I just couldn't get through without liberal use of the fast-forward button. I now know why this Bob Denver vehicle rarely sees the light of day. And, now, I'm just a little bit deader inside.
Instead of seven modern castaways, we have seven Nineteenth Century prospectors taking a less-than-direct route from St. Louis to California. The characters themselves have a precise isomorphic relationship to their "Gilligan's Island" counterparts. Bob Denver plays Dusty, who's clumsy, fumbling, and always managing to get everyone into trouble. Forrest Tucker ("F-Troop") is the replacement Skipper, called the Wagonmaster, who's in charge of the party. There's a smart guy, a rich guy (and his wife) and a simple small-town girl. The replacement Ginger is either a saloon girl or a prostitute, depending on how charitable you're feeling.
If that's not enough for you, the Skipper keeps referring to Gilligan... Sorry, I mean the Wagonmaster keeps referring to Dusty as his "little pal" instead of his "little buddy".
Growing up, I watched as much Nick At Nite as the next fellow. But until I bought this DVD, I'd never even heard of "Dusty's Trail" before.
Odd – I thought – since Bob Denver and Forrest Tucker are well-known classic TV stars.
Then, later, not odd at all – I thought – because the episodes on this DVD are absolutely terrible.
The comparisons made to "Gilligan's Island" by the DVD company and by commentators on the Internet are all perfectly valid. But they may leave a false impression on the reader. You see, "Gilligan's Island" was funny. It was silly. It was stupid. It was corny. It was predictable. But at least it made you laugh, even if you were laughing at the banality of the material. But WACKIEST WAGONTRAIN has none of this going for it.
Now let's move on the the film itself. When producers edit together episodes of a TV show into a feature-length production, it's interesting to note what will be used as a central theme to pull these disparate stories together. When the Ben Murphy classic RIDING WITH DEATH was edited together from two episodes of the short-lived "Gemini Man", the producers based the movie around two guest-starring appearances by Jim Stafford as Buffalo Bill. Sure it was goofy. Sure it required an awkwardly dubbed voice over to explain why a character's facial hair suddenly changes halfway through the movie. But at least it was somewhat coherent.
The four episodes of "Dusty's Trail" here have absolutely nothing to do with one another, which makes one wonder why they bothered removing the opening and closing credits from in between them.
Still, in the pursuit of ill-advised thoroughness, I'll offer a quick summary of each episode.
Act I: Let There Be Bob Denver.
The movie opens with the TV show's theme music. The theme song tells the story of who these people are, and how they got to where they are. Think the "Gillian's Island" theme, only not as catchy.
The initial epoch involves Dusty accidentally rescuing a young Native American boy from a bear. After this genuine act of kindness, the movie spends the next half an hour or so insulting Native Americans.
Actually, it's probably not as insulting as it could possibly have been. Although that may just be that the sight of white guys in red paint tapping their hands against their mouths, making "Wooo-oooo-oooo!" noises and dancing around other white guys who are tied to oversized wooden posts is something we've become deadened to in our pop culture.
Act II: Dusty Falls Off A Horse, Ad Nauseum
This second work involves Dusty finding a horse, not realizing it belongs to someone else and then being sentenced to death for the crime. Sadly, this does not result in the death of Dusty. Instead the plot revolves around Dusty falling off a horse, falling off a horse, falling off a horse and falling off a horse.
I'm not kidding about that. A major subplot involves Dusty "breaking in" the horse. The scenes go on and on. You can picture it already, can't you? If your mind's eye reveals endless footage of a stunt double wildly bouncing up and down on a real bronco with quick close-up inserts of Bob Denver on a mechanical deer, then you can safely fast-forward through this episode without missing anything.
Act III: Full Mental Drag-act
The travelers are ambushed by two dangerous bandits who demand some quality time with the second rate Ginger and the third rate Mary Ann. Naturally they're fooled by seeing Bob Denver and Forrest Tucker in drag. It will come as no surprise when later in the episode, these two Einsteins surrender to an army composed primarily of Bob Denver, cooking utensils and baking flour.
Act IV: Let This Be Your Last Episode!
(It was at this point that I fell into complete despair. You see, I knew that this was a half-hour show and that the DVD box listed the running time at an hour and a half. So I figured after three episodes I'd come to the end. You have no idea how far down I sank into my chair when the closing credits failed to scroll upon my screen and I realized I had one more segment to endure.)
The travelers wander into an apparent ghost-town, only to get trapped inside by gun-tooting outlaws. After some excruciatingly long-winded sequences involving a donkey, explosives and disguises (unfortunately, not all at the same time), the movie shudders to a conclusion.
I don't think it's possible to describe how unbelievably tedious this movie is. I attempted to watch this movie a second time to help writing this review, but I just couldn't get through without liberal use of the fast-forward button. I now know why this Bob Denver vehicle rarely sees the light of day. And, now, I'm just a little bit deader inside.
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